| Goodbye |
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| 11:04pm 24/10/2005 |
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mood:  peaceful music: someday you will be loved-deathcab for cutie
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And I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose
than to have never lain beside at all
I hope to god i did the right thing, maybe one day it'll feel like it.
he's gonna have a new life, a new world, a new chance, and plenty of lessons. He's gonna be okay, and "she", whoever she may be, will see only his best. This was the right thing.
I have freedom and dreams and myself back again. I smiled and talked in class today. This is the person i missed the most. Jessica Lynn. I missed her. He changed me; on one level it was for the good, i'll never forget the advice he spoke or the times i felt like i could do anything because his smile told me so, but on another level...
He took my life and my secrets and he ripped them apart and put them on the front page. he took my heart, and taught it how to feel. :-/
I might forgive one day, but i'll never forget. the best lessons always seem to come with a price. |
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| stole of lindsey |
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| 04:27pm 08/10/2005 |
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Ten years ago I was...
-7 years old
- a tomboy. i loved worms and sports.
- living in royal oak.
- - best friends with josephine
Five years ago I was...
-12 years old- 7th grade
- best friends with katie.
- getting ready to move to metamora
- playing soccer fall, winter and spring. all the time.
Two years ago I was...
-15- in 10th grade
- had the biggest crush on dula
- great friends with sid, kristin and taylor
- fat and shy
- unselfish
One year ago I was...
-16 and a junior
- dating jeremey
-falling apart, crazy.
-anorexic
-figuring my self out
-really close with lindsay.
Last weekend I...
- went to homecoming with ryan
-hung out with jamie for the first time ever.
-lost dula as my bestest buddy.
-fucked up alot and cried tons after the dance
Five songs I know all the words to...
- delicate- damien rice
- tiny vessels- deathcab
- collide- howie day
- sorry- maria mena
- waste-staind
Five bad habits...
-biting my nails
-being really honest about hush hush subjects.
-being unconfident.
-mumbling/stuttering
-being an attention whore.
Five biggest joys...
-my friends
-writing something good
-laughing
-cuddling
-helping someone |
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| i want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real |
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| 12:07pm 05/07/2005 |
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mood:  pissed off music: Clark Gable- The Postal Service
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I'm just me. faults and all. I finally realized that I don't have to change for anyone. I am me, and i'm not going to be anyone else.
Finally, I'm not his toy doll. I've been trapped for so long i don't know how to handle being free. nothing he said last night hurt me. 3 fingers point back at you when blame me. I'm a whore? You're the one who fucked me. one and only.
There is no line between love and hate with this. I posess both, but also numbness and replusion for what he is. I know in a few days once my anger at him fades a little, I'm gonna feel like i lost my best friend, that a huge part of myself was just torn away. Why'd we do this? What makes us hit extremes? What happened to talking hours on the phone, and good ends like prom. why'd we wreck a comfortable level? I wish we wern't so much alike. I guess it doesn't really matter though. It's done and I'm not crying. I'm mostly over it.
HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GREAT 4th :-D |
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| 09:18pm 02/07/2005 |
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mood:  distressed music: strange and beautiful- aqualung.
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I had a great day at work today. goofing off, with felicia, jordan and mike, working drivethru
*hands bag out window*
guy: you forgot something.
Jess: oh, I'm sorry! what are you missing?
guy: your number.
LAME!*!*!*!
Jess: thanks. have a great day sir
Old Man: You too sweetie. *winks* *knocks teeth*
EWWWWW |
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| Stole this off simone heh heh hers made me laugh |
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| 04:21pm 20/06/2005 |
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mood:  giggly music: Coldplay
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1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you |
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| sing me anything |
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| 06:45pm 09/06/2005 |
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mood:  sad music: Existentialism on Prom Night- Straylight Run
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when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming- straylight run
So Prom. So Prom. I need to thank ryan for being there for me at stephs after (volunteering to be a distraction) and providing me with conversation the rest of the night. I hope I helped him with his situation as well.
I need to thank Taylor for well, she knows what.
I need to thank Teresa for crying with me thursday, i feel bad i made her cry also, the dorms won't be the same without her next year.
Dinner was okay, crazy people behind us fighting over inheritences lol and yummy food. the dance wasn't so good...
I didn't want to be saying goodbye, but i was wrapped up in his arms the whole night and i couldn't have asked for anything more. After 9 months of drama, we needed some quiet time. Just lying there, doing nothing, talking, and falling asleep together seemed to make the perfect end.
kinda empty right now. I know it'll never be the same...
Its my summer. my summer to learn to let go, my summer to apply all that i've learned, my summer to fix the bad parts of myself...
it's sunny out :-D |
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| Making this public again |
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| 09:21pm 24/05/2005 |
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mood:  accomplished music: sugar- trick daddy
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Just as I told Simone last night, "No" has always been just an obstacle to get around for me. It never means no, it just means..."not at this moment"
I've always burnt bridges, they've always gotten rebuilt, and when they don't, I convince myself I don't care.
It's not quite the same when you hear "no" for real, and the most influential people in your life walk away.
I watched myself throw my life away this year. I had my life revolve around my own self-centeredness and my stubborn goals for the impossible. I hid the pain away till it became too much, and when i broke, and couldn't pick myself up, i fucked around till someone else fixed me. I hurt people I never imagined I could, and I never once felt bad. But the last 2 days changed me. I saw for the first time, how empty my life would be, if I continued being what i had become. I never imagined losing them in the process,but i did it with my eyes open, and i only got everything i deserved. But hatred left me with the greatest lesson. And last night, became the best possible night ever. And these people are why.
Lindsay: I have become so close to her this year and I can't even imagine not having her as a friend anymore. So many times she's not judged me, and so many times we've done the stupidest things and had the greatest time. We've both grown so much this year, and I'm glad we could do it together. Linds: Thank You. You are amazing.
Mike: Always just my Dula. Someone I take for granted way more often than i should. Who else could put up with my drama, my tears,my boringness, and still be there to make me laugh? I owe you so much..I love you mikey
Taylor: I look at how jealous i have been of her this whole year and how much i let that feeling control our friendship. Last night I talked to her like i did last year, and it was so nice. She was one of the 2 girls that ever really knew anything about me last year, and i loved how tight we were. She listened last night, and i know that i can't hate her anymore. Tay: I Missed you. So so much. Thank you.
Jeremey: In 9 months he has taught me how to trust, smile, hurt,and learn. I never imagined that one person could turn my whole world upside downThere's so many things inside of him that i see inside myself, and this feels so wrong. Strangely, even throughout all our rough spots, i didn't think I would ever really lose him. No matter what i became he never left. I know that something still exists under the hatred, i know it, but i refused to learn from my mistakes, I held on so tight, and i deserve nothing more from him. all i have is gratitude, and the goodbye he wants. Jeremey: Thank you for all the pain, all the happiness, everything. You taught me how to feel again. I'm sorry.
Anisa: Anisa was the first girl this year i've cried with. I remember our first real conversation, my first introduction to the crazy girl i would come to love. Strange that it was in the laundry room, teaching some rich brat how to work the machines, after we both had spent the weekend in our bathrooms throwing up.We wern't rich and we wern't spectacular- and we both knew it. Thats why we were amazing She held me when i cried, she distracted me when i was sad, she was the one i called when i needed a knife gone. The day i found out she would be leaving, i cried alone. In 6 months she had became the closest girl to me. When she cried, i tried my best to make her feel safe, and te day she left, was one of the hardest days of the school year. We had been tense lately, I could not return the care she had given me. My selfishness and my lack of control over my emotions and words, made me lose, the most honest and amazing girl i have ever met. She taught me to look past racial lines, and to open myself up and be a goof. Our relationshoip is over. I love her enough to let her go and not bother her, to appreciate the lessons she's left me, but the pain is still there. Chica: I'm sorry. You deserved better than me, I took you for granted,and there is nothing i could do to fix the past
Stephanie: I've been so jealous of her lately, and so bitchy, I don't even know why she bothers to care. She has been there for me so many times, weekends, rides, spanish club dinners..damn i even have my own room. I love her brother as much as i love my own and see can always tell when my jokes arnt real, you always know when something is wrong. Steph: Thank You. And the only reason, i dislike phil, is because i'm afraid of him hurting you. I luv you.
My anger scares me because it is my father's. And I can never become him. I lost too much yesterday because of that. I MUST fix it. |
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| the scariest moment of my life |
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| 11:37pm 08/05/2005 |
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mood: scared music: Keane
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So i got into a car accident. Ellie(my car) is pretty beat up. My poor head is kinda fucked up too. I'm still so so dizzy Thanks Brian, Linds, Sarah, Simone, etc for getting me calmed down.
so besides that and me being terrified of driving now...my weekend was amazing. Prom Shopping with linds, random drives, crazy bonfires. Ari? fun stuff :=)
no more history till euro next year. yay |
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| my dorm room is lonely. |
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| 09:29pm 05/04/2005 |
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mood:  grumpy music: Good Riddance- Greenday
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<3 It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life. <3
Anisa is gone. I love you girl. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You're right, we will never forget this year.
I'm so terrified for soccer and grades, i keep puking. I need a new way to deal with stress. Quit soccer?
It was 75 today. :-) |
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| Thats Rockbottom. |
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| 07:19pm 08/03/2005 |
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mood:  drained music: Waste-Staind
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Its ironic that the person I despise the most,the person i wish would hurt so bad, is the only person I can trust. This person has the power to destroy an already broken girl who has hit rock bottom. I took down every wall and they saw the weakest most pathetic version of myself. I had no strength to get off of my knees because i am that tired and that selfish. They know everything, and could exploit that to any sick extreme. I almost wish they would. I wish they would hurt me enough to be happy, to be happy by giving up. But they won't. I hate them so much, it doesn't matter that i can't even put up a semblance of disguise, because I hate myself even more. I deserve their anger and disgust. I deserve replusion. All i feel is shame. Any feeble wall of pretend i could put up anyways, they would see through. They saw me as broken as i could possibly be, and i'm so scared to ever face them again because of the sheer embarrssment of completely having no hope;to be so close to quitting. But then again they are the only person who i don't have to pretend with. I dont know why i trust them but I'm too weak to lie. And they have never seen anything good. To find something good and be able to show it, is the one thing i have to live for. I've never been so honest to anyone, even myself. I walked away from all the lies i've told myself the last 8 years, and i came face to face with myself. And at seeing me, I had no where to go. I hate everything that i am. Every way i look, i see pain and failure. But me being happy is not an option. Cuz me being happy, is by not having a me. What scares me is that that there is only one reason why i am hanging on. My sister is only one. I will not do that to her. And again i'm pleasing someone else. my selfishness never takes me as far as it should. I hurt everyone I come near, but i'm too scared and weak to let go and let them forget the pain i've caused/will cause them. Because i don't know what i will encounter tomorrow. I don't know who i am and curiousity is the only thing that i have right now. I have to play pretend in order to get past this pain with everyone but myself and the one person who knows how twisted i am. I have to discover who I am, and I might be worth something one day. I cannot go lower and that is that. |
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| stole this off of simone |
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| 06:51pm 29/12/2004 |
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mood: bored music: greenday- blvd of broken dreams
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1) What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? ate sushi, got caught hooking up by a janitor.
2) Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I've never ever kept them b4, but i'll try this time
3) Did anyone close to you give birth? um...no?
4) Did anyone close to you die? older cousin and uncle
5) What countries did you visit? THE U.S.A
6) What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? morals and self control
7) What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Feb 14, March 27, Sept 13, Oct 30, December 25!!!!!
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year? getting grades good enough for daddy dearest
9) What was your biggest failure? harming myself.
10) Did you suffer illness or injury? sprained knee, flu and random colds
11) What was the best thing you bought? SHOES!!!
12) Whose behavior merited celebration? hmm a couple of peoples
13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? my fathers
14) Where did most of your money go? shoes and coffee
15) What did you get really, really, really excited about? MY CAR
16) What song will always remind you of 2004? roughdraft- yellowcard, brilliant dance-dashboard, tiny vessels- deathcab
17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder – happier MUCH HAPPIER
Older or wiser – wiser
Thinner or fatter? – thinner
Richer or poorer? – richer
18) What do you wish you'd done more of? soccer
19 What do you wish you'd done less of? whine
20) How did you spend Christmas? at my grandfathers
21) How will you be spending New Years? most likey bored as i'm grounded
22) Did you fall in love in 2004? ...maybe...
23) How many one night stands? 2.
24) What was your favorite TV program? OC
25) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? yes dumb skanky bitch
26) What was the best book you read? atlas shrugged
27) What was your greatest musical discovery? eisley
28) What did you want and get? heh heh. i always get what i want.
29) What did you want and not get? my oh my. dula? and my necklace from tiffanys. everything else i got :-D
30) What was your favorite film of this year? wimbledon ;-)
31) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 16. i went to cedar point with mike and mallory and my family.
32) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having one night in the spring go on forever and ever *sigh* or having repeats of it.
33) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? I think i dressed up more. well this school year at least
34) What kept you sane? i'm still insane. but music and playing soccer i guess.
35) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? natalie portman
36) What political issue stirred you the most? the war
37) Who did you miss? sid
38) Who was the best new person you met? hmm jeremey?
39) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: i'm a stubborn whiny brat but thats ok cuz i have better qualities also
40) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: and it was pretty clear that it was hardly love |
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| The day before christmas eve and i'm still sick |
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| 06:50pm 23/12/2004 |
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mood:  impressed music: Chemical Warfare- Dead Kennedys
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Christmas somehow doesn't hold the same magic it did when i was a child. :-/
I'm cynical. and i hate the people that feed lies to others. I hate pretend.But I guess thats a good thing. It makes me stubborn. I'm an intelligent 16 year old girl that has everything in front of her. I'm so sick of hiding and accepting shit with out question. Fuck that
You're so beautiful and you don't even realize it. In a truly platonic sense, i admire all those qualities that you have, but which you hate. So you don't fall into the typical mold, who cares? Being different is an attractive trait. One day it will happen. You are so amazing, If only you could see
My psat scores were beautiful :-) i am such a nerd. shoot me. |
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| do you know you're beautiful? |
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| 10:56am 18/12/2004 |
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mood:  geeky music: Zak and Sara- Ben Folds
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Brian and I went adventuring around campus. We found hidden stairs and made 2 trips to the cranbrook archives. We are such nerds but it was fun running around campus. Not so much fun almost hitting a poor deer in his new car. The securitas car had a broken mirror. Brian's a dork and took a picture. :-)
I am home for 16 days. i miss the dorms already...maybe. But i have my own room now cuz Melissa moved into the basement.
Saw beans and sklar. fun fun.
ChrISTMAS IS IN A WEEK. I have to start writing my list. What are you going to get me? ;-)
ahahah i've never had a boyfriend to buy presents for.crazy |
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| and you kissed me like you meant it. |
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| 01:41pm 07/12/2004 |
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mood: grateful
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We figured things out. He realized he threw out something good, i realized I need to change. I wasn't just his whore and i hurt him a bit, i think, when i stated i was. 2 nice mornings this weekend, one sad but helpful convo till 1:30 last night. We're fine now.I love doing absolutley nothing but talking and drifting off to sleep in his arms.
One thing left to worry about. By next week, I shall know. Whether it be happy or sad...*sigh* dunno.
Friday I had a breakdown. not a clue as to why. I cried, until I almost threw up, for 3 hours. Laura and I went to the mall after that because I scared my mother and she came to school to make sure i was fine. Steve Madden made me happy. I am superficial.
It's almost break. Happy Hannakuh/Merry Christmas Time.... Oh my I have to go shopping. But I am so poor. No one gets gifts.
I have to do homework. many hours of it. I want to attend public school again. Dryden is sounding quite pleasant. |
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| hey it's between me and him. not you. don't assume stuff. |
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| 03:41pm 02/11/2004 |
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mood: WORK I SAY!! music: Scotty Doesn't know- Lustra
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Friday: Haunted House. The scariest part was waiting in line and this guy freaked me out and i crashed into jeff and lindsay and almost killed them with my screaming. Other than that, it wasn't bad at all. Nothing too terrifying.
Saturday: Mall with Anisa and Lunch with Anisa and Richelle. I bought amazing shoes and hot small pants. and oh yeah i got a free dog at victorias secret. and then it was the dance..
Sunday: scary movies and home. I went to my aunties and halloweened it out. Everyone liked my dark hair. except my father of course...
Monday: Evac Drill. Ipoding it up with Brian.
Today: VOTE BUSH. |
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| lalaLAla |
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| 04:01pm 13/10/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative music: kissing the lipless- The shins
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One Month.
I wanted to hide in a hole today and never come out. Mallory called me after school then came over and hung out with me. She met j briefly under the rule of: NO INTERROGATIONS.:-P She passed, and he passed her inspection, haha. I saw Sean and Billy at the rink...wow royal oak memories. I miss it. I miss public school. I don't think cranbrooks right for me. I don't have anything going for me, I just want last year back. If only I could go to a decent public school. Cuz...Dryden isn't and I don't want to deal with people there either.
PSATS suck. Annoyingly easy and since I've already taken the SAT's I don't see the point. |
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| And it keeps getting better |
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| 09:18pm 17/09/2004 |
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I've spent alot of time with jeremey this week :-D And I guess thats all I need to say. Movies and stupid seats lol, watching him play hockey with Emily (lol em, that def. goes on our memory list "omg thats so hot" "no its really not" "aww hes a midget" "Like Emilio Estevez??" "Those jeans!" "she's so fat"), walking through the science institute on our day off and almost falling asleep on the couch holding hands with him in the lounge. It's been awhile let me tell you. I'm liking it.
I lie to myself alot. Talking to a person alot this week has made me realize alot of things about myself and how real i can be. I don't want to be fake for you, yet I don't want to lose him. Can't say anything right out, cuz its just never the perfect moment. False security is all I got, and I'm afraid of how deep my emotions go sometimes. Things stay in my head for so long and I've said that i've gotten over them, yet i haven't at all. Making improvements though I guess. Alot of confusion in one area but making sense in another.
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Home for the weekend...Tomorrow is Mike's party, i need someone to go with me. And yeah thats about it. Its been an amazing week :-D |
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| Does anyone read this anymore? |
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| 10:50pm 12/09/2004 |
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mood: contemplative music: my thoughts
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So since basically everyone knows that Jeremey and I spent the whole dance together, I won't even go into it. Even though i was called a bitch, i had alot of fun and i don't care about the drama. Just don't bring up shit that has nothing to do with him. k? much love. thanks.
Bonfire Saturday night was so much fun. Walked there with Jenelle, Rachel, Caite, Jeremy, Distad, and 2 other boarders. Jenelle was a retard lol and made us cut through the woods. And somehow Rachel and I ended up with a gazillon prickly things stuck all over us. yeah just my luck. hurt like no other. so much fun. I sat with jeremey and laura. Then Jeff,Sam, Logan,Mike,Jeremey, Laura, Jennelle and I, hiked in the dark to senior cabin, played go fish. i schooled everyone lol. then gabe and i watched everyone play bs. seriously watching is way more fun than playing.
this morning i got up and ran, teased dula :-P and walked over to cranbrook and now here i am, trying to finish the ap history book but not suceeding. lol oh well.
have i gotten happier? I think I've changed alot these last 2 weeks...anyone else see it? I feel incomplete though. like without my sadness, i'm not me. who knows? |
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lovesmenot318's journal
energetic